Torturing My Teenagers... One of the Many Services I Offer

My period was late (hold me!) and I was seriously concerned about the possibility I may be pregnant.

Instead of putting myself through one more day of torture, I bought a pregnancy test. It felt kind of odd placing that test in my shopping cart. Instead of simply tossing it in, I took extra steps to tuck it under the enormous bag of dog food. What if someone I know saw the test in the cart? It would be just my luck to run into the neighborhood gossip.

I got home from the store and dashed to the bathroom, palms sweating and heart racing. "For the love of Pete, please let this test turn out negative!"

Thank the Universe the test did come back negative. Whew, dodged that bullet! My glee soon turned to thoughts about how this could be turned into a golden opportunity to torture my teenage sons.

There they were, snuggled down in the living room, watching a movie. Perfect set-up, it was time to strike. I bounced out of the bathroom, test stick in hand, and announced I had just taken a pregnancy test.

For a split second the world stopped spinning. My 13 year old's face revealed his feelings about the matter- the child looked as though someone had just stuffed a dog turd up his nose. The 15 year old jumped to his feet, staring at me like I had 5 heads. The color drained from his face.

The youngest said, "If you're pregnant, I'm moving out!"

The oldest said, "And I'll join him. Please tell me you're joking, I'm not prepared for something like this!"

I played along and put my best 'I'm going to have a baby' face on.

I just stood there dangling the test stick between my fingers while grinning from ear to ear.

Both teenage boys declared they would NOT be changing diapers. The 15 year old was kind enough to remind me that I'm far too OLD to have a baby; he learned in 'Human Growth and Development' class that my eggs are now considered [b] defective'[/b].

The oldest finally piped up and asked if I was going to show them the results. Both boys looked like someone just bonked them over the head with a ball peen hammer. I enjoyed every moment of their discomfort.

After what seemed like an eternity I finally caved in and handed the test strip to the 15 year old. In an attempt to see for himself, the 13 year old nearly knocked the 15 year old off his feet. Obviously the boys were seriously frightened at the prospect of mom being pregnant.

The 15 year old clutched his chest and asked me to think twice before ever doing something like that again. The youngest declared he is thoroughly convinced his mother finally went over the edge.

It was fun torturing the boys. Heaven knows they do their fair share of torturing ME. I felt victorious. The boys got a little taste of what it is like to have a bomb dropped in their lap. The drive me bonkers on a daily basis, it was high time for a little revenge.

This little experiment provided me with invaluable information.... a surefire way to get the boy children out of the house is simply a matter of getting pregnant.

AS IF I'd do such a thing! The children are getting closer and closer to becoming young adults... I'm finally seeing a touch of light at the end of the parenting tunnel.


Score:
Mom... 1
Teenagers.... 0

Ahhh... the sweet, sweet sense of revenge continues to linger. Mom power rules!