Confessions of a Stay At Home Mom

Confession: I love being a stay at home mom.

L.O.V.E. it.

Sure, there are days when I look at my children and see soul sucking, sub human mutants, but what mom of teenagers does not feel that way every now and then? Unless they are raising little saints on earth, moms feel that way and there is nothing wrong with it. I get a little concerned when I encounter a mom who has only wonderful things to say about her precious darling.

Let's face it, parenting teens is a true test of fortitude.

Parenting teenagers is tough stuff. I'm attempting to do the best I possibly can, and try very hard to be consistent. THAT seems to be the KEY to effective parenting. Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children who step on their toes.

Here are a few helpful quotes I've gathered along the way:

Teenagers are people who act like babies if they are not treated like adults. -Mad Magazine-

The most important word in this quote is 'people'. I consciously remind myself although there are times teens do not behave like people, they are people. All people deserve a certain level of respect. I've been testing this theory of treating teenagers like adults and I am pleasantly surprised and happy to report it is working!

Raising teens is part joy and part guerilla warfare. -Ed Asner-

We are apt to forget that children watch examples better than they listen to preaching. -Roy L. Smith-


Life as a SAHM:

No, my diet does not cosist of bon-bons, nor do I lounge in the lap of luxury, feet up, cabana boys feeling (whoops, talk about your Freudinan Slip... was going to edit that to 'feeding', but screw it, I'm leaving it as is.. hee hee) me grapes and frozen cocktails.

Soap operas, Dr. Phil, The View, Oprah??? Who the hell has time for all that?

It has been a long summer with two teenage boys to care for, look after, keep in line and entertain. I've officially started the annual back to school celebration/countdown... 16 days from today the boys will go back to school. *Fist pump in air -- silent cheer of excitement!* Woo-Hoo!

BUT... I will miss them. We've had a great summer. I've absolutely enjoyed every minute of watching my 'little boys' mature into fine young men.

Most days have been full... running teenagers here, there and everywhere, monitoring the number of teenage mutants flopping around in our pool, cooking for every teenage boy living within a six block radius, etc. Late night basketball games in the backyard, allowing them to take over our camper and helping them make it their club-house. Ordering 4 pizzas to be delivered to the camper door. The look on their faces when I'd come home from the store with a giant box of Sam's Club cupcakes, watching them play paintball, ride dirt bikes, skateboards, rollerblades, fun stuff!

There was one small glitch in an otherwise perfect summer. The younger of my teenage sons had to go to summer school. The child failed to do anything at all to avoid failing one class... one little class. His reward was 5 weeks of full day summer school. Too bad, so sad.

This was my first *ever* experience with summer school and I was not pleased. As a matter of fact, I was damn tempted to punish the little mutant for allowing this to happen. Common sense and a little touch of pity prevailed and I concluded going to summer school was punishment enough. In other words, I cut the kid a break. Little did I know this child would *enjoy* going to class. I've said it before and will say it again, this is one complex kid. I will never understand the inner workings of his mind.

Ungrateful Little Twirp:

You would think my child would get down on his hands and knees and bow to me for waking up very early every day for five weeks to drive is ass to summer school. This was a matter of take the classes or repeating 7th grade. I know *I* would be eternally grateful if someone saved my ass from having to endure an additional year of school. Most days were fine, but some were an exercise in keeping my composure so I did not fly off the handle like a screeching banshee from hell.

Here is an example of what some mornings were like. Facts are facts, and the fact is youngest son and I are not morning people. If every morning was like the one below, I would be typing this from a prison cell.

6:00 a.m. - alarm goes off. Smack snooze alarm, back to sleep for 9 more minutes

6:09 a.m. - alarm goes off, drag half dead body from bed. Stumble up two flights of stairs, bounce off a few walls along the way. Trip over some teenager's size 12 shoe. Wander to kitchen, stub toe on some teenager's skate board. Scratch head, wonder just why in the hell there is a skateboard in the middle of my kitchen floor... decide I do NOT wish to know the answer.

And by the way, just what the hell *IS* that goop in the bowl on the counter? Later that day I would find out it was homemade cookie dough. Extra points awarded to the teenagers for cleaning up after themselves and not leaving crumbs all over the dining room. Told there were no crumbs, they got lazy and impatient so they decided to eat the cookie dough... raw. Eewwwww. Whatever. Wow, how in the hell did 6 kids manage to drink a case of soda in one night? I only see 5 or 6 empty cans in the trash. WHERE are the rest of the cans? Never mind... I really don't want answers to any questions.

6:10 a.m. - Peek in oldest son's room to see how many teenagers crashed at my house. Take a quick head count. Make sure all sleeping teenage mutants are 1.) male, and 2.) still breathing.

6: 12 a.m. - start a pot of coffee

6:14 a.m. - Flick 13 year old sons lights on and sweetly ask him to wake up. Let's try to get this day started off on the right foot

6: 20 a.m. - Shake 13 year odd son and demand he get out of bed

6: 29 a.m. - Threaten to pour pitcher of ice water over son if he does not get out of bed ... RIGHT NOW.

6: 32 a.m. - Son finally in shower

6:38 a.m. - Ahhh... that first sip of fabulous coffee. What a gorgeous morning! It is going to be a wonderful day

6: 49 a.m. - Son bitching and whining because his favorite t-shirt has not been laundered. Boo-frickity-hoo... the kid has more clothes than *I* do. And just why in the hell didn't HE do a load of laundry if HIS favorite shirt was dirty? I may be the stay at home mom around here, but I am not the stay at home SLAVE. The day the children were old enough to reach the buttons on the washer and dryer was also the day they were guided and instructed on the finer points of how to properly wash, dry, fold & put away their clothing.

6:50 a.m. - He's STILL whining. Why can't he shut his mouth, suck it up and deal?! Calmly tell mutant child to shut his big flapping lips and get the hell over it, I've only had one sip of coffee and he is treading on deadly ground

7:02 a.m. - Child still bitching and moaning, first cup of coffee down, pour second cup and remind demon child it is not MY fault he failed to do his school work and therefore has been sentenced to, in his words, "punishment worse than death", or... 5 weeks of alllll day summer school class. *Silent mommy shout of jubilee! "That'll teach him to do classwork!" For once someone other than me disciplined the child. Ha Ha!!*

7:13 a.m. - Child still shirtless. No less than twenty five (25!) fresh, clean t-shirts hanging in his closet, none of them worthy.

7:14 a.m. - Where the hell did I hide that reserve of Xanax? Realize it's going to be a sucky day if I already feel the need to self medicate before the clock strikes 8:00

7:32 a.m. - Child is dressed and fed. Teeth are brushed. We are on schedule... *It's a MIRACLE*

7:41 a.m. - In the truck, half way to summer school... mutant child realizes he forgot to grab homework. Tempted to lean over and slap child across head. suppress urge to physically harm child and/or spin 360 in the middle of highway. Back to the house, turn truck off, hand child the keys

7:59 a.m. - What the hell is taking so long? Child finally back in car... suddenly realizes he locked keys in the house. Suppress urge to scream "Mother F*****!" at the top of my lungs. Grab cell phone, attempt to call oldest teenager's cell.... Ring, ring, ring... voice mailbox. Ring, ring, ring... voice mailbox. Can not control temper and holler "Son of a B****!" Child looks at me and says, "Nice language". Shoot child THE LOOK and explain that if he says one more word he will go to school minus his lips, because I'm about ready to rip them clear off his face. Call house phone... no answer.

8:02 a.m. - Youngest son SHOULD be in CLASS by now. Tell youngest son to go bang on the front door. Hear dogs barking and barking... and barking. HOW the hell can oldest teenager and friends sleep through this shit?

8:03 a.m. - Oldest teenager stumbles to door. Youngest child pushes past oldest child. Oldest child is not amused.

8:05 a.m. - Youngest teenager comes running out of house... followed closely by oldest teenager - who, by the way, has hands balled up in fists. There goes my day... all shot to hell

8:22 a.m. - Youngest child dropped off at summer school.

Repeat for 5 weeks.

Is it any wonder I can feel the grey hairs squeaking through my scalp?


Here it comes... the dreaded MOMMY CURSE:

I hope my teenage sons have 10 children each.. all boys... just like them! I don't care if I have to be on full blown life support, hooked up to a dozen machines. As god as my witness, I WILL LIVE long enough to watch my boy children parent their own teenagers. And I will laugh, uncontrollably.

There is a wise old saying... something about "Grandchildren are your reward for not killing your teenagers". Ain't that the truth.

SO...

Long before my children were born my decision to be a full time stay at home mom was etched in stone. From an early age I knew I was cut out to be a mom and wife. When I met my husband I was blissfully thrilled to discover that he wanted a family, and wanted a wife who would be willing and able to stay at home to raise the children.

The day I realized I was pregnant with my first child will always be the most memorable day of my life. The moment we read the pregnancy test results is burned into my memory. Some may not understand this, but I feel as though that was the precise moment my life began. Prior to getting pregnant I was more or less a young woman whose primary mission in life was to have as much fun as humanly possible. I was a wild child, a risk taker. Spent all of my late teens and early 20's traveling around the country on a whim, partying hard, and generally goofing off. My dream to start a family had finally came true.

Disclaimer!

Let me preface this entry with one very important disclaimer:

Being a SAHM is a very private and personal choice. I will never, ever claim SAHMs are better parents than working moms. On the contrary, I admire the hell out of successful working moms and often marvel at how they manage to juggle both jobs.

I do not have personal experience with what it takes to work a full time job AND raise great children. However, I watch my girlfriends do both jobs and have utmost respect for them.

Over the years I've been there to catch my working girlfriends when they fall. When our children were young, I babysat their children free of charge (of course). There were times when one of the children would be sick and I would take care of the child knowing full well my own children may get sick. Most daycare facilities will not allow ill children to be in attendance. So before I say another word, KUDOS to all the working moms of the world.


Some important points about being a SAHM. Things to consider before jumping feet first into this JOB:

1. Despite what some may believe, if done properly, being a full time stay at home mom is WORK. It is a JOB. The hours are long, but the payoff is priceless.

2. Many people view the decision to be a stay at home mom as an unpopular and undesireable lifestyle choice. That's fine! Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Choosing to be a SAHM is not for everyone, just like choosing to drain septic tanks for a living is not for everyone. Different strokes for different folks.

3. The choice to give up a professional career is costly. Among other things, stay at home moms forfeit income, pension and medical benefits.

4. A choice must be made. Are stay at home moms willing to forfeit those things in exchange for the joys of being a full time parent?

5. Stay at home moms have to figure out if they are cut out for this job. Being a full time stay at home parent is by no means a glamorous career. It is important to consider whether or not this job will make a mom happy. As the old saying goes, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" AMEN!

6. So you want to be a stay at home mom. Many questions must be answered, this is not a situation to take lightly. First of all, can your family survive on one income? Do you have backup childcare in place for those times when you need a break? Are you cut out to withstand the monotony, the daily grind?

7. Going from a two income family to a one income family... are you willing to 'trim the fat'? In my experience, two income families tend to spend more, while one income families tend to be more careful with money.

8. At the end of your day can you look at yourself in the mirror and proclaim you are a successful woman? Some people equate success with their job. Remember, being a full time parent is a JOB. Will it be enough for you?

9. Attention all naysayers! Stay at home moms have not left the workforce! What we do is a job, and if done properly a very difficult one. SAHMs are not giving up their careers, they are simply changing gears.

10. Choosing life as a stay at home mom is a labor of love. This job means assuming the role of cook, cleaning lady, driver, disciplinarian, counselor, nurse, teacher, tutor, accountant, referee, and much more, all without monetary compensation. No sick days, no personal days, no paid vacation... and one issue I struggled with when the children were young, some days with NO adult interaction.

One thing is for sure, this is certainly not a 9 -to- 5 job.

Being on duty 24 hours a day can wear a mom down. There were times when lack of adult stimulation was difficult. I had to make the conscious effort to involve myself in activities outside the family. I interviewed babysitter after babysitter, checked references, and was tempted to pay for applicants to get a background check. After all, this person would be left to care for my precious babies.

Looking back I can laugh at myself, but at the time I was dead serious.

I've done a little bit of research to determine how much this job is worth. These statistics are based on minimum annual salary for professionals in my area of the country:

Daycare Assistant - $22,000

Entry Level Elementary School Teacher - $32,000

Short Order Cook - $30,000

Accounting Clerk - $32,000

Licensed Practical Nurse - $40,000

Facilities Manager - $80,000

This is a small example of what stay at home moms do. You get the picture.

The kicker is stay at home parents are not included in United States Department of Labor statistics. We are non-wage laborers. Never mind that stay at home parents invest countless years working very hard to teach our children to be responsible, well mannered, productive members of society. In a perfect world stay at home parents would at least be rewarded with some sort of tax break, but that's another rant for another time.

If you choose to leave corporate America in exchange for being a full time stay at home mom, discuss this decision with your significant other. Take a long, hard look at the situation. Pay attention to what you are willing to sacrifice. Unless your husband earns a six figure income, make sure you will be able to make small sacrifices, as there is absolutely no doubt at all your financial situation will change.

At the end of the day the most important thing is being happy and comfortable. Do what feels right for YOU. Always remember... absolutely NO regrets.